I will make the best of everyday with the strength God gives me even if some days it’s not very much. I will embrace my pain and trust him to help me press on. Yes I know I have a wonderful husband and another precious child but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I miss flushing his central line, helping him go to the bathroom, and drying him off when he got out of the shower and helping him get dressed when he was sick. I miss checking his pockets before washing them and pulling out Bb’s, pocket knifes, and rocks. I miss him building doghouses, crosses, and tables out of scrap wood. I miss him ruining every good pair of shoes he had. I miss him walking in the house with mud all over his boots, I miss him riding his 4-wheeler and asking me to go fishing with him in the middle of the day when it was over 100 degrees outside. I miss cleaning up his mess after he had eaten and well….wherever he went. I miss how he always loved my tacos, scrambled eggs, and hamburgers. I miss him wanting his hair fixed perfectly before school and how he didn’t like if he could feel the seam of his socks in his shoes. I miss his stubbornness and strong willed personality. I can see him so clearly or I imagine what it will be like when I die and wake up in heaven and see his sweet beautiful face. Sometimes, when I am sitting in my bed I imagine him walking into my room. There are days I would do anything to be back at the hospital with Luke. We would act so silly and had so much fun. He could make me laugh until my side hurt. Sitting with him day after day in a hospital room. The pain is excruciating! We became so close over the past year. I go in his room sometimes and scream, why? Why me? Why Luke? No!! I refuse to except this Lord. Some days I go in Luke’s room, lie on his bed and wrap his camouflage blanket around me and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I am not perfect and I am human and that’s why I need God every minute, every hour, and every day of my life. Some days I am very strict and others days I just let things go. I am not consistent with anything even my parenting. Some days all I want to do is watch videos and look at pictures of Luke, other days I want to pretend I never had Luke. Sometimes, I wonder why God would give me this child and then take him away. Some days I make so many plans and they all fall through because I wake up and can barely get out of bed and face the reality once again of Luke being gone. I want to kiss his soft head and feel him lay his head against me. No matter how much I want to hold him and tell him I love him, I can’t.
No matter how much I want to hug him, I can’t touch him. No matter how hard I reach for him, I can’t get to him. I can’t see him tomorrow or the next day. The pain is unbearable and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I miss Luke so very much! There are days I truly do not want to live anymore.
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